Confessions of an Ex-Nazarene

This year is the 30th anniversary of my departure from the Church of the Nazarene. Allow me to say quickly, this blog will not be a “hit” piece on my former denomination. In fact, if you will take the time to read the entire blog you may find it to be far more affirming than the title might first suggest. Thirty years is a lengthy span of time to reflect and reminisce about a group that had a profound influence upon my beliefs, my ministry, and my eternity. Distance and time has a way of clarifying things that are often initially clouded when a relationship fissure takes place. In other words, I am probably now in a better place and state to accurately evaluate those years I associated and ministered as a Nazarene.

For those who may not be familiar with the Church of the Nazarene (COTN), allow me to give you a brief historical sketch of where this denomination lands on the buffet of American Christianity. The COTN is doctrinally what is called, Wesleyan/Arminian. I will let the reader look up and study the intricacies of that perspective but Nazarenes are closer to a Methodist (on paper) than Baptist or Presbyterian. A number of Christian “streams” influenced it in its infancy during the early 20th century including, Methodism, Independent Holiness groups, and even to an extent, Pentecostalism, although relatively quickly the COTN distanced itself from the “tongues” speaking aspect associated with the word, Pentecostal. The distinctive part of the COTN was their doctrinal emphasis on the Christian becoming “entirely sanctified”. This doctrine is confusing to most Christians looking in on the COTN and at times was just as confusing to those of us who were in the COTN. Depending on who was teaching on the subject, it could be presented as an experience positioning the believer in a “perfected” state of grace or the eradication (some preferred suppression) of the selfish inclinations of the sin nature. The doctrine basically espoused a victorious state over the inclination to sin. It made for great altar calls as believers were continually exhorted to consecrate themselves unto the Lord so He might work this work inside of them. Since I was trained in Nazarene schools, I understand clearly how they got to this doctrine Scripturally. Who can really argue with exhorting people to give God ALL of themselves and expecting a deeper work of cleansing from Him? But after time, I found there were significant gaps in what we were teaching and how people were living which would later lead me to significantly modify my views on this subject. And lastly in this sweeping generalization, there has always been a strain of fundamentalism within its ranks, although it’s scholars are loathe to admit it and do their best to combat it. For better or worse, this has caused a type of denominational schizophrenia (my apologies to those legitimately suffering from this disorder) when it comes to understanding their identity as a people. From my experience and perspective the COTN as an evangelical denomination has become this “big tent” which houses everything from reformed cessationists to practicing charismatics to aspirational Anglicans. It was causing no small consternation 30 years ago and from what I can read and see on social media, the tension still exists. So labeling this group can be challenging in many ways.

In 1978, I was presented the Gospel in a Sunday evening service at a Nazarene Church and received Christ in a personal and transformational way. I was oblivious and ignorant at that time to all the history and dynamics of the denomination. I was a lost, blind, sinful young man whom Jesus apprehended. I’m sure at the time I couldn’t define repentance, but there was a work so profound that I wept my way back to God and without much teaching or guidance, I knew my journey would take me a new direction. A few months later, in a most unexpected way, the Lord called me into the ministry in a most unique way (I’ll blog that story on another occasion). Since I was only a few months into this new journey and knowing precious little except what I was hearing preached at that Nazarene Church, I naturally assumed my training for ministry would take place through their institutions. I eventually graduated from a Nazarene College (B.A. in Religion) as well as the Nazarene Seminary (M.Div. in History of Christian Thought). While there are a thousand interesting stories concerning those years of training, I completed my studies and navigated the denominational hoops leading to ordination until I was officially ordained an Elder in the COTN. For the next four (4) years I pastored in these circles. It was during these years that I had three significant crises take place in my life.

First, I experienced what I call a governmental crisis. The COTN (at that time) was a twisted mess of episcopacy and congregational government. Churches voted on some things and the District Superintendent decided other things. The pastor, most of the time, was reduced to a manager and rarely a leader. It provided (at least for me) toxic environments where politics rather than precept prevailed. It was disappointing and for me, literally, depressing. Church struggles were embedded into the Nazarene culture because of the dysfunction of the governmental system. Pastors were (in my opinion) expendable assets because the pool of candidates was always immense with possibilities if your current pastor did something to irritate you. District Superintendents tended to capitulate to whiny church boards and tacitly undermine local pastoral leadership. It was a convoluted mess. While there are stories of pastoral abuse that are often touted, in this instance the abuse originated from church boards functioning as dictatorial oligarchies. (I have heard through the years that this government dysfunction has been addressed. I certainly hope so.)

Second, I experienced a doctrinal crisis. Numbers of people were testifying to an experience (entire sanctification), but were no where close to actually living it. I’m not speaking of laity only, but the ministerial ranks were replete with hypocrisy and inconsistency in this regard. For a supposedly “sanctified” ministry, there was plenty of “flesh” at work. I began to question my theological education thinking, “If this many people are getting the distinctive doctrine wrong, what else may be wrong?” I started reading outside of my tribe and denomination. I picked up some books by Gary DeMar, Gary North, and Rousas Rushdoony concerning Reconstructionism and the application of the Law. At the same time, John Wimber was releasing books on the merging of evangelism and the supernatural. While it was an eclectic mix, both spectrums caught my attention and spoke to me during an incredibly dry time. It influenced me greatly.

Third, I experienced a personal, spiritual crisis. I had slipped into a deep depression that fourth year of pastoring in the COTN. As I look back I can see it as it truly was, demonic. But where was I to go for help? I had no relationship with my DS or for that matter other pastors. We were colleagues and friends, but there was no sense of safety to share any transparency or authenticity. So, I made an appointment with the local Charismatic pastor in town. He didn’t know me and had no connection to my denomination, but I sensed there was a flow of divine life that emanated from that church. People had joy. They genuinely loved the Lord and reached out and evangelized the community. I knew I needed something more than psychological analysis. I needed deliverance from this darkness. It was through this ministry that I was introduced to the present ministry of the Holy Spirit. Yes, I was Baptized with the Holy Spirit and experienced the manifestation of tongues. Those who know me know that I am not an easily manipulated person. This was a genuine moment. However, no matter how genuine that moment may have been it would never fit within the framework of the COTN. This thought only heightened my feelings of alienation.

Out of these 3 crises, my departure from the COTN was set. I admit that at that time I was a mixed bag of emotions and attitudes. I was excited, exuberant, and free following this amazing moment with God; however, I was also aggravated, offended, and irritated at my denomination whom I felt (right or wrong) had let me down on a couple of levels.

Here comes the confession…

As genuine and providential as my walk and subsequent experiences with the Lord had been, I was naive, immature, and arrogant in the handling of my departure from the COTN. It was needful for me to go, but I was blind to the necessary foundations and good things that I received from that denomination. As I mentioned above, 30 years has a way of clarifying numbers of things. As I think about this 30 year anniversary of departure, I feel the need to write those things which I can appreciate and esteem. I now know that no denomination will function or perform perfectly. It’s easy to pick at warts; especially when you are offended and mad. The 30 years I have spent in non-denominational circles has proven that no gathering will function perfectly. You may have perfect doctrine (unlikely), but you are still working with imperfect and dysfunctional people. What I am about to write is not to be construed necessarily as an endorsement for the COTN. I have no idea where they are currently in their doctrine or ecclesiology. I am simply confessing that there are some things of which I can be grateful and appreciative.

1. I appreciate your willingness to embrace an 18 year old, immature, naive, newly converted, Christian young man into the Church. I literally had nothing to offer, but numbers of you reached out and did your best to disciple me. I had no lineage with the church. My parents were not involved in the COTN. I was this isolated kid which you brought into your ranks and embraced. I had no idea then what a gift that was at the time. I thank a youth pastor named, Mark Morgan, and a professor named, Barth Smith, for specifically taking an interest. Your investments have hopefully multiplied in numerous Kingdom advancements through my life.
2. I appreciate the education that you provided for me. You gave me scholarships and reduced rates, as if I had been a member for decades. The institutions were academically rigorous and challenging, but provided the discipline and discernment of thought which has been invaluable to me these past 30 years. While I don’t consider myself all that intelligent, whenever I am complimented on my writing or thought processes I recognize that your institutions were major contributors in that ability.
3. I appreciate the ministry opportunities you provided for me. I think back to the pulpits which were opened to me and the invitations which were extended and it was way beyond my expertise or ability. To travel and represent a college in scores of Nazarene churches at the ripe old age of 19, seems almost miraculous now as I reflect back. To stand and preach in churches numbering thousands was remarkable. The grace and favor which were extended to me at those moments should have humbled me then, I can assure you it does today.
4. I appreciate your faithfulness to instill in me the pursuit for holiness. I know our understandings have diverged through the years, but the pursuit of all that God has for me was initially birthed in your ranks. You taught me that character matters. You taught me that sin can be more than simply what’s on paper, but it’s what God has imprinted on the conscience. You taught me to consecrate my life to the Will of God. You introduced me to the path of the “deeper life”. I would be remiss to not be grateful for these things.
5. I appreciate the centrality of the Word and the Altar. Hanging around these past years with so many reformed pastors I have listened to their remarks critiquing the invitation and the mourner’s bench as somehow diminishing the centrality and power of the Scriptures, but I saw the exact opposite. When the Word was proclaimed and the invitation given, I saw the manifestation of the power of the preached Word. I saw hearts melt and people under genuine conviction. There was something to that moment which was confrontational in a righteous sense. I looked forward to those moments. I still do today.
6. I appreciate that you taught me to pray. It was in college when we held protracted prayer meetings on Friday nights and saw God move through our prayers in amazing ways. Praying isn’t automatically understood or known in the new converts journey. It needs to be taught and modeled and there were people both in your schools and churches who knew how to cry out to God. I am the better because of their example.
7. I appreciate you providing the forum through which God gave me my wife of 37 years. I’m not sure, exactly, how God arranges these things, but in our case it worked and has lasted. If a Nazarene college had not been built, then our paths would have never crossed. So, I appreciate your obedience as a denomination which has benefited me (us) in the marriage.

I am sure I am overlooking some point of appreciation, but I felt led to simply write some things down and put them out there. The Lord has been emphasizing gratitude in me over the past year and this was simply another stop in honoring and obeying His leadership in becoming a more grateful person. Some of you reading this (which is amazing that you would take the time to read such a thing) need to start being grateful. Maybe you left a church, a denomination, or a relationship because you were disappointed. Maybe you believe you did everything right (and who knows, maybe you did). Perhaps you know you did some things wrong (chances are you did). You need to find something for which to be grateful.

The story in Luke 17:11-19, concerning the healing of the ten lepers and the ingratitude of the nine has been speaking to me. Jesus does much in all of our lives and too often we walk away acting entitled, rather than grateful. I don’t want to be trapped by the sin of ingratitude. I purpose to walk out the last quarter of life and ministry as a grateful person. I am finding gratitude is the seed-bed for some open doors and God-moments. I encourage you dear reader, to find that same place.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever be in a Nazarene church again since I haven’t been in one for over 30 years; so, I will commit this blog to God’s hands believing that it will providentially find it’s way on to the right computer screen to fulfill it’s purpose in writing. To that person…thank-you. The COTN played an important an integral role in my walk with God. I appreciate it more than I have said in the past.

God Bless…

And may God send your ranks a genuine revival…