“And it came to pass, when the LORD was about to take up Elijah into heaven by a whirlwind, that Elijah went with Elisha from Gilgal. Then Elijah said to Elisha, “Stay here, please, for the LORD has sent me on to Bethel.” But Elisha said, “ As the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you!” So they went down to Bethel.” 2 Kings 2:1-2
I was recently reading a well-intentioned but generally immature article concerning the nature and responsibilities of “spiritual fathers” to “spiritual sons”. It was apparent to me from reading the article that the writer felt disappointed or “used” from this relationship and ostensibly laid the lion’s share of responsibility upon the father(s) for that disappointment. For those that have never heard these terms they are used to define a unique relationship. A spiritual father is basically the biblical term for “mentor”. Conversely, a “spiritual” son or daughter would be likened to a “protégé” or one who may be groomed to do a work similar to the mentor. The relationship is somewhat analogous to that of an earthly parent to child, with the obvious caveats that the relationship is not based on biological DNA or “blood”, but rather a voluntary spiritual connection between the two participants. I want to emphasize the word “voluntary”. When it comes to mentors and protégés, this is never a forced arrangement. It was pointed out in this article that Paul referenced Timothy as a “true son” in the faith (I Timothy 1:2), which illustrates this usage and concept. It also illustrates that if there are “true sons”, there might also be false ones.
My mind drifted to this possibility as I read this recent article because the author tended to put all the responsibility for the viability and perpetuity of the relationship on the spiritual father. I would not quibble that the more mature individual (father) might carry the greater percentage of burden for the relationship (what percentage that might be and how long it endures might be debatable); however, the “son” is not without their commitments as well. In an era of spiritual entitlement and inflated expectations, it is easy to shift the blame for unmet goals and expectations upon the spiritual father rather than the son recognizing and owning their part of the relationship.
Through nearly 40 years of ministry , I have had several individuals (both men and women) of whom I would have considered and stated they were a spiritual son or daughter. There are a few of which I still maintain that relationship and a few of which that relationship no longer exists. Every relationship was maintained or lost for unique reasons which is the nature of any relationship I suppose. Not every mentor/protégé connection can be pigeonholed uniformly. That being said, some relationships sever, not because of the fault of the spiritual father, but rather the son was never a “true” son.
There are four kinds of sons (or daughters) in the faith that I have encountered through my years:
The Passive Son
This son expects the father to either do all the work of relationship and somehow produce success for them or fulfill their goals. They rarely reach out and only do so when it is convenient or when their personal efforts do not produce the desired results.
The Parasite Son
This son pursues you for credibility, not correction or forming. They “use” the father to get to their next destination. Often times they will leverage the name or influence of the spiritual father to manipulate others in their relationship. They simply “suck” what they can get off the relationship. They are along for the ride until the ride isn’t what they want.
The Prodigal Son
Much like the son of Jesus’ famous parable, they exit the relationship when they feel they know more than the father. This usually takes place when their flaws manifest and correction needs to be applied. They leave taking what they believe they are owed.
The Passionate Son
This son is excited and connected to the father as illustrated in the relationship of Elijah and Elisha. This relationship mentioned above in I Kings 2, may be one of the most insightful passages with regards to this connection. As is often the case, the New Testament references numerous concepts which find illustration and illumination in the Old Testament. Timothy was indeed a spiritual son to Paul, the spiritual father, but we never actually see what that relationship might look like from the perspective of the son’s responsibilities. It wasn’t simply Paul enabling Timothy like an entitled child, but there was an inferred responsibility of Timothy as the son.
It is easy (and understandable) for a fatherless generation to long for fathers in the faith. Fathers are critical for proper development whether it be natural or spiritual. Do fathers have responsibilities? Of course. No one is absolving spiritual fathers from their job description. However, it is also easy for this generation to slip into an unbiblical entitlement mentality that places all blame for unmet expectations on the one they look to as a spiritual father. They long for true fathers, but are they walking as true sons? They have a legitimate need for mentoring, but are their expectations all one-sided?
The connection of Elijah and Elisha at least opens the door to give us a glimpse of this template of relationship. Elijah was transitioning out of his ministry (literally preparing to be translated) and we see this group of “sons” begin to prepare too. Elisha distinguished himself in this group as a “true” son of Elijah by demonstrating a couple of qualities which I would suggest are important for sons to apply before they blame the father(s) for minimizing or using the relationship.
FIVE indicators of a true son in the faith (If the biblical terminology of father/son is difficult simply insert mentor/protégé)
The son will relentlessly pursue the father.
Elisha pursued…even when others stopped. Please note Elijah did not pursue Elisha, but rather Elisha pursued Elijah. Why? Because it demonstrated what Elisha valued. Even when Elijah tried to shake him off, Elisha wanted to stay connected. The truth is a person pursues what they value and want. In fact, you have no right to anything you haven’t pursued. Even the Lord solicits our pursuit. We are to “seek Him” and we are promised that we will find Him when we seek Him with our whole heart. We are to “seek” first the Kingdom. Seeking (pursuing) is an outward indicator of an inward desire.
True spiritual sons pursue their mentors. Is it not fascinating to note in the parable of the prodigal son the father never pursued the son. The son had to awaken and then pursue his father. I understand that it might not be helpful to get too far into the allegorical “weeds” with this parable, but the precept is obvious.
The son will invest significantly to hang out with the father.
Any analogy comparing our biological kids to spiritual sonship will obviously break down at some points. Young children are totally dependent on mom and dad. Spiritual sons (who are adults) have voluntarily entered a relationship which by its nature will entail sacrifice and investment. The son desires a part of the father’s spiritual DNA. That desire comes with an investment.
For example, a son needs to:
Reach out and schedule time (back to pursuit point).
Change your schedule to accommodate his.
Pick up the tab for a lunch or two.
Volunteer to travel with him on your own dime.
Drive him to a meeting to spend some time on the road.
True sons are not mooches. Don’t make your spiritual father underwrite every opportunity you get together.
The son practices honor.
What you value you honor. The Bible reminds us of that principle even in our earthly parental relationships. Honor is the statement or act that this person has value in your life. Honor doesn’t have to be financially expensive but it is almost always thoughtful.
Do you thank your mentor for his time? His wisdom? His patience? His insight?
Do you find ways to verbally affirm his ministry and place in your life?
Do you esteem him both in public and in private?
Do you honor what your mentor honors?
Do you esteem the spouse?
Do you model for those watching what a true son looks like?
Are you engaged in your mentor’s ministry and teaching?
You cannot call yourself a son or daughter when criticism or mockery concerning your spiritual father either flows from your lips or is received in your ears like ordinary church members.
The son values being in the presence of the father.
Elisha simply had to be in the presence of his mentor, Elijah. He valued any time he could get. When everyone else was happy to stay back, Elisha wanted to be there. That’s an indicator of a true son.
The son finds ways to serve.
Many in today’s generation want to be a spiritual son, as long as they are paid to be one. Sonship is not based on a paycheck. Sonship is not a gig. That’s not to suggest a spiritual son might indeed work for his mentor, but the true indicator of a son is whether they can serve simply because it’s in their heart? Many think themselves to be sons when in fact they function as hirelings. Elisha wasn’t getting paid to serve Elijah. He did it because it was in his heart to serve.
A son volunteers to help. They see the needs of the father and figure out ways to help facilitate meeting the need. Why do you think Elisha stuck to Elijah? He stuck because he wanted to serve.
Every relationship, be it friendship, marriage, collegial, or mentoring, always works better when both parties are doing their part. No one likes a relationship where one gives 90% and the other 10%. But before a fatherless generation shifts the blame of its unmet expectations or disappointments it needs to take a look in the mirror and self-evaluate. No spiritual father wants to be used. No father wants to be seen as a never-ending ATM machine or stepping stone to some destination anymore than the sons (and daughters) want that feeling. I suspect as human beings we all fail at doing our part on occasion.
I remember the last Sunday at Legacy Church upon offering my farewell remarks to the congregation I simply felt the need to say (paraphrased), “I’m sorry for all my shortcomings and failures as a leader. Please forgive me at these points for my intention was never to harm but always to help”. I don’t cry often or easily, but I did on this occasion as I felt like for closure it was genuinely important, unexpectedly manifested, and surprisingly sincere. Whether I had objectively failed anyone or not (and I honestly can’t say I felt failure, but understood my own human frailty), it seemed like a good thing to do. One of my mentors reminded me of that. Interestingly, not one church member or spiritual son or daughter felt the need to reciprocate. To this day, no one apparently felt they might have failed their pastor. I find that fascinating, however, I honestly never really thought about it nor expected it until I read this article from an obviously disappointed young man who is struggling to own his part.
The Bible states that the “steps of the righteous are ordered”. Another version translates it “our steps are charted”. However one chooses to translate such a passage the point is that God directs the journey. People fail people. Sometimes it’s real. Sometimes it’s perceived. Sometimes it’s immature evaluation and no one failed. If you’re reading this article and feeling disappointed, then take the next step and own your part of the relationship equation no matter the percentage. God was the author of your journey. He led you to that place and relationship. Blaming others for unmet goals or desires will only keep you stuck.
As for me and my house, we press forward as life-long learners grateful for every person’s part in our journey.
We wish you well..,
The best really is yet to come…
No Comments